You think maybe if you didn't spend all of 2006 prancing around the General Lee, looking like a whore, people wouldn't be talking so much about how you turned into a porker? This all seems like kharma if you ask me, I'm just sayin'
I love it when my mamma tells stories. How she hitchhiked from Baltimore to Portland, how she got kicked out of the hippie commune for buying peanut M&Ms, and my favorite, how she used to hang out with Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead (and how he used to roll the tiniest joints mamma had ever seen). Growing up, all I could ever hope for is that I would grow up and have half as many exciting and awesome stories as my mamma does. This weekend will go down as one of my epic tales.
Saturday afternoon, day before my birthday. All packed up, tying up the loose ends before I head to SFO for my flight back home to PDX for the holidays. Laundry? Check. Dishes? Done. Flight leaves at 7:45pm, so all I had to do is kick back, chill, and wait until I head out to the bart.
Cell phone rings, it’s an unknown 800 number. Now in my experience, the only time I get calls from an unknown 800 number, it’s a creditor. And in my mind? If I don’t talk to them, then I don’t actually owe them money. This is why I have terrible credit.
Check the message and its Alaska Airlines. “Due to weather conditions, your flight may be delayed or cancelled. For more information, please call our hotline an hour before your flight’s departure.” Ok Alaska Airlines, but don’t you tell us to be at the airport an hour before our flight? You want me to call you from the airport? Great time management there champ.
I knew the Great Ice Rape ’08” hit p-town, but really? Could it be that bad? For Christ sakes, they cancel school for slush. Anyways, it’s Alaska Airlines! They can fly in the snow. Not like its Southwest or something. I did not have my scared face on … until I checked the website and saw that my flight was cancelled. This of course starts the Tilly boo hoo festival. Don’t you even tell me that I will not be home on my birthday. That shit is not cool with me
Alaska Airlines number is busy, so I call mamma and ask her to keep trying to get through. In the meantime, I call Priceline, cause if there is one man who can save the day, its William Shatner. So here’s my logic on the situation. Priceline? I gave you $350 for my trip. You guys picked Alaska Airlines, not me. So since Alaska Airlines are too pussy to fly in the snow, it’s up to yall to find me an airline with some balls. This is not how things work. Alaska (the airline, not the state) tells mamma that my only option is to book a confirmed flight for Monday, or wait at SFO with my fingers crossed that I can catch a flight on standby.
And in my strongest bratty, spoiled rotten girl voice … “But mamma! That means I wont be home for my birthday! BAAWWWWWW”. And I’m not talking cute crying; at this point I am straight up, ugly snotty sobbing in tears. Totally not one of my best moments.
I get a hold of a Priceline agent and I’m all “BAW! I wanna go home!” and she’s like “Aww poor baby!” and I go “BAW! Help me!” and she says “You poor lamb, I’m gonna talk to Alaska Airlines for you.” Unfortunately, she comes up with the same response. Standby … The tears do not stop until I talk to Jake, who has some strange power to cheer me up no matter what. It’s awesome. Remind me not to abuse this power.
But you know what I say to standby? Booze is what I say. So off to Whole Foods I go, to get some girly cherry champagne and chocolate. The cashier lady asks, “How is your night?” and I go for sympathy card by saying “My flight back home to Portland got cancelled and now I’m gonna spend my birthday tomorrow all alone, boo hoo” joining my pity party is the guy behind me in line. “Your flight got cancelled to? Same here! That’s why we are getting drunk!” Great minds think a like. Us Portland kids are a classy bunch. So I go home, crack open the bottle and spend the rest of the evening feeling sorry for myself. And yes, I would appreciate the world’s smallest violin right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TILLY! I wake up in a funk. I can either spend my birthday, alone, feeling sorry for myself. Or I can shake off the blues, head out to SFO and take care of business. I choose the latter.
I arrive, and the line for Alaska Airlines is literally across the damn terminal. Apparently they have screwed over everyone’s holiday, not just mine. I find my smile, and take my place in line. I guess the upside to a personal disaster is bonding with others that are experiencing the same shit. Everyone else in line was feeling the same pain, and since making friends is Tilly’s best feature, needless to say I had some buddies. One of which was a very sweet Australian girl on her way to visit her “mate” in Seattle (she was also a big mess of boo hoo). So obviously we become friends. 2 hours in line, filled of rumors and second hand flight information. From what we gathered, we wouldn’t make it to the NW until Thursday, Christmas day. By time we make it to the turn around of the line, we had already cried away any makeup we put on that morning, and decided fuck it, we were gonna split a rental car. 12-hour road trip with a stranger from Australia? Hell yea.
At last, I make it to the ticket counter. Since I know I attract more flies with honey, I approach with my most charming smile.
“How are you doing today?” says the small Mexican woman at the desk.
“Don’t ask me, cause I will tell you”
“Alright then, can I get your ID please?”
“Sure, but please pay attention to the birthday listed … its today”
“Well birthday girl, looks like your flight is scheduled for tomorrow”
…
“Excuse me?”
“Yep, you fly out tomorrow at 7:30pm. SFO to SEA, SEA to PDX; landing home at midnight.”
I am in shock. I did not confirm any flights for Monday, nor did I have any idea that I was even gonna make is back home in time for Christmas. Needless to say, I was over the moon. The only conclusion I came to is that William Shatner himself knew how much of a crush I had on him, and with the powers of Shat, blessed me with a birthday miracle. So after telling the ticket agent that I had a crush on her, I found my Australian travel buddy and checked in to see if she had a similar experience. Sadly, no. She is “stuck” in San Francisco until the next open flight on Friday. We share a pitcher at the airport bar, she sobs on my shoulder, and I make sure that she finds her way to her hotel.
With a new found feeling of happiness, I get back on the bart, and make it home in time to watch my panthers play the Giants, while texts and tweets come into my G1 describing the icy carnage falling down back home.
I don’t know what I will do if my flight is cancelled tomorrow. Fingers crossed that I make it home for the holidays. But you only turn 22 for the 5th time once, and this time will definitely be the most memorable
So, back in march, Bridgette and I decided to get our own place and move into a 2 bedroom. For convenience to our work, we settled on staying in Beaverton. Found a little place, signed a 6 month lease and gave them $400 for a deposit. We move into the place and it’s not quite what we were expecting. The neighbor has about 5 kids, its right on a max stop and the last tenant had cats. I’m thinking that he had about 98623459 cats judging by the amount of fleas that were in that goddamn place. Instead of being a bear about it, I just ask them to clean up the fleas and ignore the shady neighbors. A month later, after the check for the deposit hadn’t cleared, I walked in and asked them “Hey, gonna take that money out of my account?” the woman answers “Oh yeah, we lost that check, can you write us another one?”
*shakes head*
(Just for the record this happens with 2 of the rent checks that we wrote to them over the 8 months we lived there, they just “loose” it)
Not surprisingly, 8 months later we are all like, screw this, I wanna move back to Portland. Gave the 30 days notice and paid an extra $80 to have the move out date be on the 4th instead of the 1st.
Moving is always an absolute pain in the ass, you have U-haul trucks, packing boxes, taking time off work and all that horsecrap, not to mention cleaning your old apartment to get that much needed deposit, that is helpful while paying out such expenses. Considering that we got the place infested with fleas, I think we did a very good job leaving the apartment in better shape then we got it, but just to make sure, mamma had me take pictures of each room and do the walkthrough with a member of the apartment management’s staff. All went fine except for a chocolate stain in the master bedroom that was cause by my messy sister. Not a big deal though, not like we burnt the place down, for Christ sakes we only lived there like 8-9 months, how much damage could we really do? Signed the walkthrough, hand in our keys and were told to expect the refund check within 30 days of move out.
So, (deep breath), 2 weeks later, we get the summery of our deposit. There it was, the same as the one we signed when we moved out, but in different handwriting in one of the columns is additional notes. Wait, I didn’t sign to these new notes? Out of the $400 they are taking $120 for cleaning, $65 for paint, $55 for carpets and $80 for late rent, and to expect a refund check of $80 in the next few days. Yeah … $80 … out of $400. I kinda have a small shit fit and head on over there to bust some heads (not really that harsh, come on guys, you know I have people that do that kind of thing for me)
Much to my surprise the apartment manager is not the evil overlord that I thought he would be, he’s actually very pleasant and easy to talk to. So I call off my dogs and discuss things in a mature manner. You remember the extra $80 that we wrote to them for staying the extra 4 days? Of course, they didn’t know what apartment it went to so they just applied it to a random tenants account (no shit) and the girl that I did the first walkthrough with wasn’t “certified” (however you become “certified” to say an apartment is clean I have no idea, but I’m not arguing that) so the “certified” staff member went through and made the notes after the fact. I of course say “Well no, not fair, I didn’t sign for that, that’s kinda illegal sounding. You can’t add things to a signed paper after the fact without discussing it with me?” and mention the fact that there was no way they can justify $120 in cleaning expenses and $65 in paint. Just no way. The manager agrees and says I will receive a check for the $80 that they lost, $120 for cleaning and $65 for paint (I gave them the $55 for new carpets, but really it wasn’t THAT bad)
Now today … 2 weeks later … still no monies.
I drive out there and sit down with the manager during my lunch break and explain to him “Hey man! I would love the monies that you owe me?” He brings up my file and says that the original $80 they were going to give us back has already been sent out, and the check for the additional $265 that we discussed was just cut that day, so to expect that by next week.
“But Mr. Manager? I haven’t gotten a check for $80?”
“Actually, its just manager”
“Oh, right.”
“Let me see your file … oh, looks like the check for $80 was sent to Gladstone, do you live in Gladstone?”
That’s right people, Gladstone. I don’t even know where Gladstone is. If you said “hey, meet me in Gladstone” I would not know where to go. I live in Portland. I give him my shocked look and he says that he sent out an email to cancel the Gladstone check and issue a new one to my Portland address.
At this point I’m pretty damn sure they are doing this on purpose. I mean, really? REALLY really? And I’m not mad, I’m begging with them, PLEADING just stop messing with me. I’m not gonna get them in trouble, and I’m not mad. Just tell me the truth and stop messing with me please cause I know they are doing it on purpose cause there is no way that they are running a huge apartment complex like this. There’s just no way.
Yup, I know your super jealous cause it’s totally the most adorable duplex in the whole world! Right on 14th and Bush, a few blocks off of Powell, down the street from the 24 hour Hot Cake House and the Aladdin Theater in the Brooklyn area. SUPER CUTE! The neighborhood kinda reminds me of like Clinton Street and all them, but instead of eating veggies and riding bikes these hippies drive their cars and eat burgers.
Enough with the chit chat, would you like to come inside?
Now THIS is the kind of weather I love. It’s only 4:30 and its already getting all dark and gloomy. The wind is blowing the weak little summer trees around and it looks like any moment now it’s gonna rain.
Don’t get me wrong, the sun is cool (actually it’s hot, HA! Get it?) It’s just not my thing. Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m part bat, part zombie. I like it all dark and quiet, and I love to eat brains.
You can’t burrow up in your bed and read when it’s nice outside, you feel guilty or something, some asshole is always like “ooh but its so nice outside!” I’m sorry, but cuddling up in blankets, pretending to watch a movie but I’m actually napping with the window open, and the shades closed, in the rain and wind is my favorite thing ever. Cant do that in the sun now can ya?
A lot of stuff has happen to me in the last 7 months that I almost feel guilty that I’m not writing it all down. I mean, when I die, what are they gonna pull from to make my autobiographical Lifetime Original movie? They can just wing it, as long as they cast Ashlee Simpson to play me and Jean Smart to play my mamma, fucking love Jean Smart.
Well hello pumpkin! What a busy poodle I have been! September has been the month of celebrating for me, and good god it’s not even started yet, let’s take a stroll at the highlights of my life as recent.
First, let’s revisit my favoritest part, Yode’s bachelor party!
You have to understand that details of the debauchery cannot be disclosed due to nature of the evening, but highlights include a pimp limo, lotsa boobies, gangsta jacking a stripper’s bling and polishing off the rest of the Jager with the boys on the hill. I must say that Coz is the coolest ever and Laura knows her way around some dive ass strip clubs. Most of all I think it was the bestest ever to reconnect with Jason, it had been far too long.
I also attended the annual celebration of Orian’s birth which tore its way through downtown Portland, ending with a trip to a donut shack with bacon doughnuts?
Orian is a classy dame, but also one that has powers in parallel parking more then your dear Margaret. After circling trendy first for what had to be 45 minutes and passing 2 perfectly good spots that I just couldn’t park in, I finally find a smart park and meet her and Patrick at Bartini. I wish I could tell you how much I love this places happy hour, ‘cause really it is to die for. We should totally go sometime, text me and we will grab some fondue and martinis.
Later of course karaoke was had, along with Chinese happy hour menus and dancing with some fabulous queens until it was way past my bedtime.
What’s this? More socializing? Well we can drop in on Shawn for a bit to wish him a happy (early) birthday!
Didn’t stay too long but it was so cool to see his face when he saw me there! What? It had been like 87634925634 years or something (or 6 months, whatever)? Met his crazy rad chick friend, drank a hoppy IPA and called it an early night
And my story ends celebrating the same guy that it started with, Yode’s wedding
Not many people will I drive 2 hours out in the middle of nowhere for. Kind of my rule of thumb is if you don’t get cell phone service then you shouldn’t really be there, but this is different, this is Lucas, I think I can travel a bit for him.
I was holding up like a champ when I got there, but then I saw him. All snazzy and proud in his suit, yep, I started to cry and don’t think I finished sniffling until long after the ceremony was over. Just means a lot when you see someone you’re so close to look so happy and excited. I sniffle my way through the rest of the ceremony, as does Bridgette, which up until that point we all just figure she was a robot with no tears. We drink, we eat, we socialize and I hike up to a waterfall in a party dress and heels, like a fucking champ I might add.
Shit started crackin up on Yoder hill though
Armed with camping gear, a ridiculous 6 person tent and half a bottle of the crow, it was time to get it poppin. Kickin it by the campfire, Shawn busting my balls and Jason telling stories it was really what life is all about. I know everybody thinks that their friends are the coolest ever, but really, mine are. Gossiping with Laura and giggling with Roxanne (who by the way is so much more awesome then me it should be illegal) I drink too much great beer and eventually I manage to stumble my not sober ass back to the tent and sleep in the woods.
Congrats Lucas, we all love you very much and are proud as punch that you are happy, thank you thank you thank you for such an awesome weekend!
Wanna see my adventures in more detail? Head over to my photos page ‘cause seeing is believing.
Zach then tried to explain to us his mentality with this whole Crystal thing. He said, "I'm not trying to get anything more from Crystal than a friendship and fun and someone that I can talk to and make out with and kiss." So... basically a girlfriend. That's like me saying, "I don't really want a car. I just want a vehicle that has wheels and doors and a steering wheel and can drive and run on gas and stuff."
Well well well livejournal, what have you been doing lately?
Me? Funny you should ask!
It’s been possibly the most awesome 3 months ever! MTV should be filming this shit, classics I tells ya!
Work is still dreamy, I’m like, the luckiest girl ever! Keeping up in my baseball leagues and almost took it all in my NCAA BB tourney bracket (can someone say “Who the fuck is George Mason?” Fucking ‘Zags let me down). NFL draft is this weekend and I’m hoping for a RB for my cats, maybe a few more linebackers? We got Keyshawn though, so I’m not sweating this coming season at all, got a great schedule. So bring it Brees, welcome to the NFC south!
I do have a life outside of work though. Took in a couple Winterhawks games until my luck ran out and they couldn’t get passed Vancouver. But I mean hell, its Canada, they ARE hockey, just pretty stoked we got that far. Sundays are owned by mah girls Esmeralda and Laura at Chinkies karaoke. Found out that I guess I am pretty hot ‘cause guys sure do buy me drinks and stuff, that’s pretty awesome. Sometimes we hit up the stripperoke at Devils Point Sunday nights to sing to our Valentine. You ever sang karaoke while a lady is dancing with a pole? Not as easy as it sounds let me tell you.
The new place is quite the cozy joint, can’t really complain. I do miss living in SE though so if y’alls knows a cute apartment building around that area let me know! Get me out of this Hillsboro nonsense!
OH craziness of crazies! Totally joined a gym. Yup, I said it, what? I do about half an hour to an hour of cardio every other day which is crazy talk to the people that know me, but it’s really working! None of my clothes fit me anymore unless I’m going for the Mary Kate and Ashley “boho chic” look! I thought there would be hot guys there though and I was wrong. I’m sure they are pretty fine outside the gym but they are always all sweaty and stuff, eww.
Speaking of guys! Ha, no, just playing, don’t got a man right now and not really lookin’ that hard. I mean yeah, there’s a few that I fancy a bit, one in particular that is quite the catch I wont lie, but not actin’ a fool about it. That’s one thing I never learned is my playa game, I still got a few good years in me to learn though right? Who woulda thought that just calling a guy can be such a big thing? I’m such a girl!
Well, if you’re ever in the internet neighborhood drop me a line
so back in the days of la luna and underground ska bands i was quite the little rude girl. local ska festivals, going to see shows of bands i had never heard of for $5. back in those days everytime reel big fish was close to tri met distance, i was there.
the first show was opening for cherry poppin daddies (whom i never have been all that fond of) but the show was $10 and i got to see reel big fish (awesome). cool show, fell in love with their trumpet player. so starts the obsession for reel big fish.
2nd show, officially a groupie now, reel big fish opening for goldfinger. there was this little band nobody had even heard of, karas flowers, who were starting the show. when they started up i was in the la luna lounge, drinking water, getting ready for a big show (goldfinger and reel big fish? score!) but this little unknown band sounded so sweet. just sugary soft, flowing. made me rush out and see what was going on. me and like, 30 people, listening to this guy with the pretty big voice.
after the show, i head over to the merchandise counter to pick up my reel big fish/goldfinger 7" with the take on me cover. who is standing there? the lead singer of karas flowers! 6 foot everything of just hot. he looks at me, dripping from sweat after dancing to goldfinger, and those brown eyes and says "so your buying one of my shirts right?"
girls? try to say no to that
so i spend my last $14 on this over sized karas flowers shirt ...
the next day, i skip school and go to ozone records to find their album. and there it was, cracked down the middle, "for promotional use only" copy of the third world their only album. i get it for $6
i ran she shit out of that cd. evry song, memorized. every note, i could hit. just amazed how touching an albom could be. for years i tried to find out when i would have a new song list, or when they would grace the la luna stage again. years of wearing that shirt, while every kid at my high school asked me "whats with that?"
after hearing nothing from them for so long? i eventually gave up
:(
skip to about a year ago. working at eb, i hear this love by a band called maroon 5 i hate them. i hate them because they sound like karas flowers, and i was upset that they got big by ripping off my little bands style. hit after hit, i loved the music, but deep down i wanted it to be karas flowers with the fame! karas flowers with the attention! until i saw them on mtv. the eyes, the sweat ...
yup. they are the same band.
and they are still amazing, and they still give me goosebumps. of course, i now have a tape for my car. side a, karas flowers. side b, maroon 5.
i just saw them on mtv, live from the hard rock cafe and i got the same goosebumps back again
1. Famous - I don't know how, and I don't know why, I just know I'm gonna be famous. I can't act, I sure as fuck can't sing and I dance all, white and stuff. But holy hell, if Paris Hilton can be famous for being fabulous, I can do it WAY better (not to mention I would sport a MUCH nicer weave).
2. Personal Shopper - Live vicariously through peoples money. Whether it be picking out a dress for Lindsey Lohan for the Oscars, or Britney Spears for the Grammys, I could do that shit. Debra Messing? You need new baby clothes for Roman? I do children's clothing too. Nicole Richie? You need matching doggy clothes for Hunny? No shopping will be turned away!
3. Samantha from Sex and the City - Well, minus the whole "sex sex sex" thing. She's a P.R manager! All that woman does is throw parties for new clubs and rock stars! Oh Lord can I do that! My "work" would be the talk of E! and all I would have to do is invite anybody who is anybody at the hottest clubs. The "kiss kiss" thing with a cosmo in one hand? yeah.
4. Sports Agent - No, not Jerry McGuire, he's a fag. Fucking Arli$$ bitches! Just buy and trade sports stars to other teams! Now yeah, I know, I don't really know THAT much about sports, BUT I'M A GIRL! How hot would that be? Not to mention I would get VIP in any country club.
5. Marketing Manager for a video game company - Lord knows this damn industry needs some new marketing angles. If I have to see one more video game commercial say the word "extreme" I will drive to fucking EA's building a crap on someone. I don't know who put it into marketer's minds that people who play video games also climb fucking mountains and are obsessed with the military because that couldn't be more far off base. The only thing that gamers climb is into bed. Military? Fuck it, they just want the guns! Since I care so much about this industry, I think I could do it a far needed change. A fresh look, one may say.
6. Chef - Not like the head chef of "Moe's Fish Shack", but like a real chef ... with a cooking show! Wearing a hot little apron number, cooking good food that real people can cook. I think I would rock at that! Ask Ben, I'm a damn good cook. Preach the word of the slow cooker and the deep fryer!
7. Radio Personality - OK, so Ghita can draw, Ben can play music, Cass knows math, what can I do? What's the trait that I was blessed with? Talking, and the only job I can think of that primarily requires you to talk is on the radio. I would just have to clean up my potty mouth a little bit ...
8. Work at ACS for Nextel's lost and stolen department ... HAHAHA I'M FUNNY!
9. Bartender - You know how on #7, I told you that my only real skill is talking? Well, I think I have 2, drinking. I know with the way I pour drinks, I would cash out the bar in 2 weekends, not to mention get myself sued for not cutting drunks off. But drunk people are funny! Bars are fun! The tips would be hot and if I worked at a music club, I might become "discovered", there by completing job #1!
10. Welder - I wanna make choppers and hot rods like on the Discovery Channel. I know it cant be that tough (I'm starting school for it on Thursday) and they have a union and job stability. And how much fun will that be? Totally tough environment, welding metal to metal. Being in a job that I can actually SEE my work being created, not just taking the next call. Something I can pull into being a real "career". It's a skill, it's a trade, it's what America was founded on! If I don't weld, the terrorists win!
welding classes at pcc: $496.21 getting our doggy's medical problems tested: $196.30 tilly going bat shit crazy with money problems: priceless
now, you must all admit that being faced with $595.91 is a hard number to stomach anyways, but to hear about this shit with in a period of 3 hours? ouch.
welding classes - damn, i really wanna go back to school, so so badly. welding sounds SO DAMN FUN!! and i can TOTALLY see myself doing it. but at $62 a credit, and an additional $12 a credit for shop usage, not to mention books and parking passes thats a HUGE number! and true, i can go on payment options, its really hard to think about how im gonna budget that in. im just NOW getting myself back on my feet after the "big unemployed summer" of '03. i wanna go to school, i wanna get on with my life. im 22 years old, theres still hope for me! its just a scary thought when you realize that the minimum wage call center job is probably gonna be it for a while :(
the doggy - i love our dog. shes kinda goofy looking, and everyone calls her a "rat", but i really do love her. i loved the fact when im hungover, all i have to do is make my whining noise and she cuddles with me. i love the fact that she has those little floppy ears that flip up when she chases imaginary flies. but the poor thing is just sad. she has a really really bad skin problem that keeps us up at night with her itching. shes getting up there in age (6-7 is pretty old for a small doggy) and tests and medication gets more and more expensive with age. so JUST for the tests to get an IDEA of whats wrong with her? $196.30, thats not including medication that may not even work. now if i was a live at home 35 year old wife? yeah, i think i probably will go for all this medical procedures, but im 22 and have a full time job. i cant handle such a high matience dog, and its sad. i asked the vet if there was a group of people that take in sick dogs, or if we took her to the pound, would she be adopted? he answered straight out "you are the only person on this planet that is gonna want this dog, no one takes in sick animals if they know they could get a healthy one just as easy"
i have the biggest headache imaginable, i just wanna cry
MarikIsJosh: my midget is a pimp MarikIsJosh: hittin' on all the mithra MarikIsJosh: I got ladies MarikIsJosh: they send me /tell's when I'm online Miss Tilly Tilly: mithra? MarikIsJosh: the cat girls Miss Tilly Tilly: the cat girls? MarikIsJosh: yeah Miss Tilly Tilly: FUCKING FURRY!!!!!!!! MarikIsJosh: it's best when they're wearing subligars Miss Tilly Tilly: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! MarikIsJosh: because it looks like panties Miss Tilly Tilly: FURRY!!!!!!!!! Miss Tilly Tilly: NOOOO
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sassy_britches's journal
pleased
gloomy