the trail

Woah there, WTF Facebook?!?!

Dear Facebook,

Ok, I know. I have talked a
whole ton of shit about the ads you display. But for fucks sake, is this creepiness really necessary?
oh jesus

I promise I will never complain about your weird ass ads ever again, as long as you swear to me that you will stop showing me this frightening shit

Seriously. I'm grossed out.

STOLEN! and i dont care

I manage a building full of sorority girls

Hey Neighbors!

Just wanted to send out a follow up to my previous email this weekend regarding the Halloween party that occurred at the building on Saturday night. I completely understand that we are all going to have active social lives, and heck, I even encourage that. This is an awesome city with certainly more then enough to celebrate. Let your hair down, I'm not one to judge.

Unfortunately though, since this is not the first time I have gotten complaints of this nature, I just want to make sure we are all on the page, and to provide some courtesy tips in case you are planning a party where you are expecting a large amount of people to attend here at our building:

- A week before the event, print out fliers for your neighbors informing us all of your plans. Sometimes if we have a heads up many of us can make alternate plans that night to avoid the noise and disruption here. Also, include your phone number, or ways to contact you in case the situation gets out of control. And if you want, let them know they are invited up for a drink!

- Keep an eye on your guests. This is not a statement of your judge of character, its just that when you invite someone into our building, you are essentially inviting them into our homes as well. Please keep your neighbors safety in mind. It can be a bit scary for some of us to have so many strangers in the building, try and keep your guests from wandering around.

- The next morning, wake up a bit early and do a quick look around the lobby, entrance and hallway for fallen soldiers and party favors. It adds insult to injury when you are kept up all night with noise, only to see the battlefeild of garbage and trash first thing in the morning when you wake up. It might also be nice to knock on your immediate neighbors door and offer them coffee or a muffin. Remember, they had a late night too.

The special thing we have here on Washington St. is the serenity. This is a very nice neighborhood, and the peace and quiet is what makes us call this building home. Please be respectful of that.

As always, if you have any questions, concerns, complaints or issues, please feel free to drop by unit #4 anytime.

- Jake and Tilly
your face is gonna stick that way

ATTN: Jessica Simpson


You think maybe if you didn't spend all of 2006 prancing around the General Lee, looking like a whore, people wouldn't be talking so much about how you turned into a porker? This all seems like kharma if you ask me, I'm just sayin'

I hope you learned your lesson


this is how stories are made

I love it when my mamma tells stories. How she hitchhiked from Baltimore to Portland, how she got kicked out of the hippie commune for buying peanut M&Ms, and my favorite, how she used to hang out with Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead (and how he used to roll the tiniest joints mamma had ever seen). Growing up, all I could ever hope for is that I would grow up and have half as many exciting and awesome stories as my mamma does. This weekend will go down as one of my epic tales.

Saturday afternoon, day before my birthday. All packed up, tying up the loose ends before I head to SFO for my flight back home to PDX for the holidays. Laundry? Check. Dishes? Done. Flight leaves at 7:45pm, so all I had to do is kick back, chill, and wait until I head out to the bart.

Cell phone rings, it’s an unknown 800 number. Now in my experience, the only time I get calls from an unknown 800 number, it’s a creditor. And in my mind? If I don’t talk to them, then I don’t actually owe them money. This is why I have terrible credit.

Check the message and its Alaska Airlines. “Due to weather conditions, your flight may be delayed or cancelled. For more information, please call our hotline an hour before your flight’s departure.” Ok Alaska Airlines, but don’t you tell us to be at the airport an hour before our flight? You want me to call you from the airport? Great time management there champ.

I knew the Great Ice Rape ’08” hit p-town, but really? Could it be that bad? For Christ sakes, they cancel school for slush. Anyways, it’s Alaska Airlines! They can fly in the snow. Not like its Southwest or something. I did not have my scared face on … until I checked the website and saw that my flight was cancelled. This of course starts the Tilly boo hoo festival. Don’t you even tell me that I will not be home on my birthday. That shit is not cool with me

Alaska Airlines number is busy, so I call mamma and ask her to keep trying to get through. In the meantime, I call Priceline, cause if there is one man who can save the day, its William Shatner. So here’s my logic on the situation. Priceline? I gave you $350 for my trip. You guys picked Alaska Airlines, not me. So since Alaska Airlines are too pussy to fly in the snow, it’s up to yall to find me an airline with some balls. This is not how things work. Alaska (the airline, not the state) tells mamma that my only option is to book a confirmed flight for Monday, or wait at SFO with my fingers crossed that I can catch a flight on standby.

And in my strongest bratty, spoiled rotten girl voice … “But mamma! That means I wont be home for my birthday! BAAWWWWWW”. And I’m not talking cute crying; at this point I am straight up, ugly snotty sobbing in tears. Totally not one of my best moments.

I get a hold of a Priceline agent and I’m all “BAW! I wanna go home!” and she’s like “Aww poor baby!” and I go “BAW! Help me!” and she says “You poor lamb, I’m gonna talk to Alaska Airlines for you.” Unfortunately, she comes up with the same response. Standby … The tears do not stop until I talk to Jake, who has some strange power to cheer me up no matter what. It’s awesome. Remind me not to abuse this power.

But you know what I say to standby? Booze is what I say. So off to Whole Foods I go, to get some girly cherry champagne and chocolate. The cashier lady asks, “How is your night?” and I go for sympathy card by saying “My flight back home to Portland got cancelled and now I’m gonna spend my birthday tomorrow all alone, boo hoo” joining my pity party is the guy behind me in line. “Your flight got cancelled to? Same here! That’s why we are getting drunk!” Great minds think a like. Us Portland kids are a classy bunch. So I go home, crack open the bottle and spend the rest of the evening feeling sorry for myself. And yes, I would appreciate the world’s smallest violin right now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TILLY! I wake up in a funk. I can either spend my birthday, alone, feeling sorry for myself. Or I can shake off the blues, head out to SFO and take care of business. I choose the latter.

I arrive, and the line for Alaska Airlines is literally across the damn terminal. Apparently they have screwed over everyone’s holiday, not just mine. I find my smile, and take my place in line. I guess the upside to a personal disaster is bonding with others that are experiencing the same shit. Everyone else in line was feeling the same pain, and since making friends is Tilly’s best feature, needless to say I had some buddies. One of which was a very sweet Australian girl on her way to visit her “mate” in Seattle (she was also a big mess of boo hoo). So obviously we become friends. 2 hours in line, filled of rumors and second hand flight information. From what we gathered, we wouldn’t make it to the NW until Thursday, Christmas day. By time we make it to the turn around of the line, we had already cried away any makeup we put on that morning, and decided fuck it, we were gonna split a rental car. 12-hour road trip with a stranger from Australia? Hell yea.

At last, I make it to the ticket counter. Since I know I attract more flies with honey, I approach with my most charming smile.

“How are you doing today?” says the small Mexican woman at the desk.

“Don’t ask me, cause I will tell you”

“Alright then, can I get your ID please?”

“Sure, but please pay attention to the birthday listed … its today”

“Well birthday girl, looks like your flight is scheduled for tomorrow”

“Excuse me?”

“Yep, you fly out tomorrow at 7:30pm. SFO to SEA, SEA to PDX; landing home at midnight.”

I am in shock. I did not confirm any flights for Monday, nor did I have any idea that I was even gonna make is back home in time for Christmas. Needless to say, I was over the moon. The only conclusion I came to is that William Shatner himself knew how much of a crush I had on him, and with the powers of Shat, blessed me with a birthday miracle. So after telling the ticket agent that I had a crush on her, I found my Australian travel buddy and checked in to see if she had a similar experience. Sadly, no. She is “stuck” in San Francisco until the next open flight on Friday. We share a pitcher at the airport bar, she sobs on my shoulder, and I make sure that she finds her way to her hotel.

With a new found feeling of happiness, I get back on the bart, and make it home in time to watch my panthers play the Giants, while texts and tweets come into my G1 describing the icy carnage falling down back home.

I don’t know what I will do if my flight is cancelled tomorrow. Fingers crossed that I make it home for the holidays. But you only turn 22 for the 5th time once, and this time will definitely be the most memorable

worthless ...

Why I hate apartment complexes

Oh dear lord in heaven

So, back in march, Bridgette and I decided to get our own place and move into a 2 bedroom. For convenience to our work, we settled on staying in Beaverton. Found a little place, signed a 6 month lease and gave them $400 for a deposit. We move into the place and it’s not quite what we were expecting. The neighbor has about 5 kids, its right on a max stop and the last tenant had cats. I’m thinking that he had about 98623459 cats judging by the amount of fleas that were in that goddamn place. Instead of being a bear about it, I just ask them to clean up the fleas and ignore the shady neighbors. A month later, after the check for the deposit hadn’t cleared, I walked in and asked them “Hey, gonna take that money out of my account?” the woman answers “Oh yeah, we lost that check, can you write us another one?”

*shakes head*

(Just for the record this happens with 2 of the rent checks that we wrote to them over the 8 months we lived there, they just “loose” it)

Not surprisingly, 8 months later we are all like, screw this, I wanna move back to Portland. Gave the 30 days notice and paid an extra $80 to have the move out date be on the 4th instead of the 1st.

Moving is always an absolute pain in the ass, you have U-haul trucks, packing boxes, taking time off work and all that horsecrap, not to mention cleaning your old apartment to get that much needed deposit, that is helpful while paying out such expenses. Considering that we got the place infested with fleas, I think we did a very good job leaving the apartment in better shape then we got it, but just to make sure, mamma had me take pictures of each room and do the walkthrough with a member of the apartment management’s staff. All went fine except for a chocolate stain in the master bedroom that was cause by my messy sister. Not a big deal though, not like we burnt the place down, for Christ sakes we only lived there like 8-9 months, how much damage could we really do? Signed the walkthrough, hand in our keys and were told to expect the refund check within 30 days of move out.

So, (deep breath), 2 weeks later, we get the summery of our deposit. There it was, the same as the one we signed when we moved out, but in different handwriting in one of the columns is additional notes. Wait, I didn’t sign to these new notes? Out of the $400 they are taking $120 for cleaning, $65 for paint, $55 for carpets and $80 for late rent, and to expect a refund check of $80 in the next few days. Yeah … $80 … out of $400. I kinda have a small shit fit and head on over there to bust some heads (not really that harsh, come on guys, you know I have people that do that kind of thing for me)

Much to my surprise the apartment manager is not the evil overlord that I thought he would be, he’s actually very pleasant and easy to talk to. So I call off my dogs and discuss things in a mature manner. You remember the extra $80 that we wrote to them for staying the extra 4 days? Of course, they didn’t know what apartment it went to so they just applied it to a random tenants account (no shit) and the girl that I did the first walkthrough with wasn’t “certified” (however you become “certified” to say an apartment is clean I have no idea, but I’m not arguing that) so the “certified” staff member went through and made the notes after the fact. I of course say “Well no, not fair, I didn’t sign for that, that’s kinda illegal sounding. You can’t add things to a signed paper after the fact without discussing it with me?” and mention the fact that there was no way they can justify $120 in cleaning expenses and $65 in paint. Just no way. The manager agrees and says I will receive a check for the $80 that they lost, $120 for cleaning and $65 for paint (I gave them the $55 for new carpets, but really it wasn’t THAT bad)

Now today … 2 weeks later … still no monies.

I drive out there and sit down with the manager during my lunch break and explain to him “Hey man! I would love the monies that you owe me?” He brings up my file and says that the original $80 they were going to give us back has already been sent out, and the check for the additional $265 that we discussed was just cut that day, so to expect that by next week.

“But Mr. Manager? I haven’t gotten a check for $80?”

“Actually, its just manager”

“Oh, right.”

“Let me see your file … oh, looks like the check for $80 was sent to Gladstone, do you live in Gladstone?”

That’s right people, Gladstone. I don’t even know where Gladstone is. If you said “hey, meet me in Gladstone” I would not know where to go. I live in Portland. I give him my shocked look and he says that he sent out an email to cancel the Gladstone check and issue a new one to my Portland address.

At this point I’m pretty damn sure they are doing this on purpose. I mean, really? REALLY really? And I’m not mad, I’m begging with them, PLEADING just stop messing with me. I’m not gonna get them in trouble, and I’m not mad. Just tell me the truth and stop messing with me please cause I know they are doing it on purpose cause there is no way that they are running a huge apartment complex like this. There’s just no way.

And that’s why I hate apartment complexes …